Point # 9 from my 11-point plan for taking care of yourself while supporting others
Let Yourself Not Know the Answers
When you or someone you know faces a medical or personal crisis, the search for solutions immediately begins. We have this certainty that if we just think hard enough or look hard enough or read enough books that the answer awaits. That there is a right answer is such a habitual thought that I personally have a hard time NOT believing it.
Oftentimes my search zeros in on one particular aspect of a situation that seemingly holds it all together and could be dismantled somehow for the solution. “What’s the key?” I asked at a couples’ therapy training, after hearing of the complex and sometimes confusing descriptions of the dynamics that couples typically experience. The lead trainer laughed at the notion that there was a simple way of looking at and solving couple conflicts, and I think that’s the same for all of life’s dilemmas.
Parents especially want to know the answers to their children’s problems, even if their children are now parents themselves. These are particular conundrums, as we often have minimal control over their lives. “Stop parenting your children,” our good friend was told by his therapist who wanted him to let his thirty-something year-olds navigate their own journeys.
In dire medical situations with our sick granddaughter, my daughter asked me what to do. I felt sad and frustrated that I had no idea how to answer her. “Stay present and do the best that you can to make the best decisions for her that you can,” I replied. Not a bad answer in retrospect, but certainly not as gratifying as knowing with absolute certainty which way to go.
It feels pretty bad to stand still and realize that you don’t know what’s coming next nor what to do. This might be a time when we avoid those uncomfortable feelings by heading to the pantry for a snack, or other more detrimental methods of avoidance such as drinking or other risky behaviors. Many clients I work with have a “hard time making decisions,” but I think this really means that they want to be certain that the choice they make is the right choice and will never need revision.
The decision you make now is the best one you can make, the answer you have now is the best answer for now, and it will likely morph over time into a different answer. So let yourself not know the answers, because they are moving targets that change with new information. "I don't know" might often be the best answer to a complex question, and perhaps the best answer is just another question.
Libby Gell is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of Stay Present: A Child, A Diagnosis, A Family’s Way Forward. She shares her extended family’s journey and offers insights and suggestions on creating joy while handling family crises, medical and otherwise.