Point #9 of my 11-point plan for taking care of yourself while supporting others
Doesn’t everybody want to be important? I chronicle in Stay Present the many ideas I offered for treating our granddaughter’s illness, certainly hoping we would find the path to her health, but also unconsciously hoping I would be the one providing that path. One chiropractor I located even held infant Claire upside down by her feet - only momentarily – until her aghast father put an end to it. I still don’t know what that was about, but it’s a source of family ridicule to this day rather than a sign of my importance to her recovery.
The most amazing sense I ever had of my own unimportance was while hosting our meditation center program. Standing before a small audience gathered to chant and meditate, I followed my agenda through the morning’s satsang. In a nervous pause during my talk, a “voice” rang so clear in my head out of nowhere that it startled me: “You are not important.” Despite how demeaning you might think that was, it comforted and relaxed me. It was a reminder that the world does not depend on me and that I could simply play the role required in that moment without puffing up my ego.
A Hindu teacher once told the story of his ashram manager who was reluctant to convey that he planned to resign his position and would need to be replaced. “One Mahadev goes, another Mahadev comes,” he was told, canceling any sense of self-importance the devotee might have held. A number of years ago I told this story to a client who was leaving her job at a big tech company, concerned that it would leave a vacancy that couldn’t be filled. “One Margaret goes, another Margaret comes,“ I said. The look of consternation on her face told me she didn’t much like the idea.
Yes, it’s important we do well what is ours to do, but it is also important that we realize that we aren’t the only one who could do the job. “Thanks for being here at the pool,” I told the lifeguard. “If you weren’t here, we wouldn’t be swimming.” Not skipping a beat, “Everyone’s replaceable,” she replied.
Libby Gell is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and author of Stay Present: A Child, A Diagnosis, A Family’s Way Forward. She shares her extended family’s journey and offers insights and suggestions on creating joy while handling family crises, medical and otherwise.